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Tuesday 26 March 2013

Closing Doors

My life is a never ending stream of change and challenges.  I guess that is what makes life interesting, it's just, at the time, it can be so damn hard to take.  I have blogged before about how my MIL is pretty vile to me and my daughters, she positively revels at making nasty comments to us.  In recent times I have kept her as much out of my life as possible, and felt all the better for it.
Today is DD2's 20th birthday and this evening we all went out for a family meal.  Despite how awful MIL is I have always encouraged the kids to have a relationship with her; I believe children should know their grandparents, and as many family members as possible.  On occasion I have had to speak with MIL over things she has said to my kids, she is the type of woman who has to be the centre of attention and will make a derogatory comment about her own grandchild if said grandchild is getting more attention than her.

Anyway, the DD's are 22 and 20 now and have discovered for themselves what a bitter and nasty woman their Nanna is.  They have made their own decisions about her based on her treatment towards them.  DD2 wanted my mother, my MIL and FIL and DH's brother and girlfriend at this meal.  The brother and girlfriend had no money so we weren't sure if they were going to turn up, but MIL - who has found a gopher in her eldest son's girlfriend, a woman who will do as she is asked and not hurt MIL's feelings - has carried herself on for a few days now begging her husband to let her lend her eldest and his girlfriend some money so they could come to the meal.  Her husband pointed out that P had borrowed more than enough of them recently and had made no attempt to pay anything back, so no, he was not going to be lending anymore money to them.  MIL could not just come out for a meal with her youngest son - my DH - and our family, she had to keep on looking for a way to get her eldest and his GF there.
In the end she said that she would bring the GF because she does so much for her.  She has that woman running all of her errands, traipsing about shops and the town centre.  She demands that she comes up to her house - the GF cannot drive, MIL can, but the GF has to get the bus up because the MIL is too lazy to go out for her.  MIL crooks her little finger and the GF goes running like a dutiful little puppy.
She was going to leave her eldest son at home and make a huge fuss of the GF at the meal.  It didn't matter that her son wanted to come too.  It didn't matter that the meal was in celebration of DD2's birthday, she wanted to make a huge fuss of the GF.

OK, I actually hate MIL and am never going to be top of her priorities, but if she wants to make a fuss of the GF in appreciation for all she does, then take the woman out some other time, don't try and hijack your granddaughter's birthday meal.
But, this plan is because she has spent the past 6 months bragging about how the GF does anything she asks, a sly dig at me because I have stopped doing anything for her after her disgusting behaviour towards me and my daughters.  She brags about how they are going on holiday together, how they go shopping together and how they have lunch together.  She wants us all to be jealous that the GF is her little lackey, ready and willing to put her life on hold in order to serve her.
The GF is terrified of MIL.  MIL screeches abuse if you do not agree with her viewpoint.  MIL likes to interfere in your personal life and tell you exactly how you should be running it.  MIL snoops in private papers if left unattended in your home.  GF daren't tell MIL no because she is terrified of the consequences.

That is nothing to brag about.  Bullying a grown woman who has not got the courage to say no.  DH finally noticed this today when he was appalled by his mother giving his brother's girlfriend preferential treatment over his brother and our daughter.  He was appalled that she would stoop so low just to get her own way.  I have tried on many occasions to point this behaviour out to him but he has always refused to listen.  Now he has witnessed her ugliness and he is ashamed of her.  I feel awful for him.  It must hurt to see your parent for what they truly are.  He has always thought of her as kind and considerate, but with a tendency to say the wrong thing.  Today those blinkers were stripped away, showing him the ugly personality his mother has always had.
He has nothing to be sorry for though.  He has not made his mother into this monster, she has done that all by herself.  Her greed.  Her self-centredness.  Her need to be the centre of everyone's world, including her grown up sons, who are both in relationships, one with 3 children.  She has demanded loyalty from her sons.  Demanded that they put her first before their relationships, and in my husband's case, before his kids.  Of course he hasn't done that, but he did refuse to see what she was doing.
My husband not putting his mother before his wife and kids has never gone down too well with her, hence the disgusting behaviour.  But it was only when his brother moved in with the GF around 3 years ago that MIL began to demand the GF do her bidding.  And then she tried to rub our noses in this by making out that the GF is such a wonderful asset.

At the meal the MIL sat as far away from me and my daughters as she possibly could and spoke to me only to convey her meal requirements - as I was writing the order down.  She ignored DD2, despite it being her birthday meal, and spent the entire evening engaging in conversation with her husband, her eldest son, DD1's boyfriend, DD2's fiance - occasionally - my mother, but mostly the GF.
Driving home from the meal I came to a decision.  I am not going to have anything at all to do with her - I have very little to do with her as it is.  She has always hated me and her behaviour recently - there are other things I am not going to blog about - has well and truly proven this.  I will never stop my husband or children from seeing her, but my daughters both know how awful she is and they have said that they want as little to do with her as possible.

I am closing the door on her.  She has made no attempt to have any kind of relationship with me for a number of years now, and this has suited me fine.  She has bent over backwards to get the GF onside with her, this is fine with me also.  There will be a time when she needs me for something and I just won't be available for her.  If I have to speak to her at family functions then I will, I have manners and can be civil.  But I just won't do anything for her ever again.
I am 41 years old - soon to be 42 - and since I met my husband when I was 17 she has tried every trick in the book, and then some, to split me and DH up.  She has criticised my appearance, my ability as a wife and mother.  Told me I was being stupid when a Rheumatologist diagnosed me with arthritis and Fibromyalgia.  Told DD1 that she didn't know the meaning of the word depression - for the record DD1 has been diagnosed with a personality disorder as a result of being raped at the age of 12 and then subsequent;y being verbally and emotionally abused by MIL when she was looking for comfort, security, acceptance.  There are countless things she has done and said that have hurt me and my kids, so I am closing the door on her.

When I first started dating DH I just wanted his family to like me.  It hurt that his mother would never accept me or was always trying to split us up.  It was a smack in the face that the GF came on the scene and instantly got accepted, just because she is MIL's personal gopher.  But that isn't important anymore.  My husband, kids, mother, friends etc all know she has been evil towards me - she fractured my skull in one attempt to break me and DH up.  They all know that she has never liked me and has never accepted me.  They have told me I have been very tolerant with her, after everything she has put me through.  But enough is enough.  I have walked through this particular door and shut it firmly behind me.

It is over between me and MIL.

Wednesday 27 February 2013

Always listen to intuition.

You would think I would know to listen to my intuition, right? Lately, I've been undecided about lots of things, too many to list. Some decisions have been made because quite frankly it was common sense to take that particular course. Others I have wrestled with, mulling everything over until I'm half crazy thinking about it.
One decision on particular that I wrestled with only recently presented itself clearly a few days ago. I'd wrestled so hard to come to any conclusion about this particular circumstance, even had an inner voice prompting me which way to go. In the end I just let it all go and did nothing. I was so uncertain that I actually gave up. But it would seem that actually helped me because doing nothing allowed a chain of events to play out before my very eyes and show me exactly how things are and how they would have been if I'd become involved.
I don't particularly like indecision but this time round it saved my bacon, so to speak. I only wished I'd listened to that inner voice, because then I wouldn't have spent the last few months fretting about not doing anything.

I guess you could say my indecision was more of an action than non action, because it helped show me I was doing the right thing all along.
I know one thing though, next time my own inner voice speaks, I'm going to listen.

Sunday 3 February 2013

New Ventures.

I have been busy with my new blog.  Well, I say busy, it hasn't been that hard.  You may recall I mentioned reviewing on this blog a little while back, well, I decided to give myself a new blog dedicated to the whole review thing.

Initially I had been just going to review books, but another couple of things have come up, so they will be reviews there too.

I also have an FB page for this venture

And a twitter page too

It is very early days for this fun venture, so not a lot is happening right now.  But, we all have to start somewhere, right?  I would be ever so grateful if you lovely people could join my new blog and like my FB page, maybe even follow me on twitter.

Thanks guys, much appreciated.

Tuesday 8 January 2013


Last  night I had a really odd dream - this is nothing new I hasten to add.  The dream centred around a woman I have had a difficult relationship with; we were friends for a while and then all of a sudden she started acting off with me.  I would say we are OK - ish - now, so for the dream to have occurred left me quite startled.

In my dream she was sat dead centre on a bed.  She was wearing white leggings and either a long black tunic with a sleeveless top, or a sleeveless top, a black t.shirt and a short black skirt, I really couldn't tell.  I entered her room - you know how it is with dreams, you instinctively know something to be true  - and she turned to look at me, smiling a wonderfully, warm and welcoming smile.
What was odd though, was her hair was cropped and it was dark.  Now I am not entirely sure what her natural hair colour is, I do believe it is the shade she was in my dream.  In all the time I have known her she has always had her hair dyed different colours.  That her hair was her natural colour was not what came across as odd to me though.  What made me think "oh, that was odd"  when I woke up was that this woman was very natural, her hair colour, her very short hair, her clothing was "normal" compared to what she usually wears and her entire demeanor.  She does dress a lot differently, her hair is long and a different colour and how she acts is very different to the dream her.

My gut instinct on this is that my dream vision of her was showing me the real her.  The feeling I had was that she is so different to who she portrays herself to be and only those closest to her get to see this version of her.  The version of her I saw in my dream radiated peace and love and an inner beauty.  I think I needed to see this version of her, or at least be made aware of it as I have had a pretty hard slog with her, she can be difficult at the best of times.
According to sources, this dream is symbolising the real her and suggesting she is a beautifully warm and loyal person.  Perhaps I need reminding of that for some reason and I would like to think that the  next time I bump into her and she is being crabby I am not witnessing the real her.

Sunday 6 January 2013

Angel card for today.

My angel card for today is Freedom. Freedom comes when you learn to let go. You can't always please others.

Oh how very true!

I need to get on with some things and this requires me to dedicate my time to my pursuits. Family demands are as overwhelming as ever, leaving me no time to get on with what I need to do. Until yesterday when I refused to get involved with all of the dramas and demands. I shut myself in my room and wrote and worked away and achieved so much.

Of course as I lay in bed last night I worried myself silly over my refusal to put my pursuits on hold to deal with their pursuits. I worried I was being selfish. But now I feel they are the ones being selfish, always expecting me to not do my own thing so I can settle an argument, or let them unburden their woes onto me.

Quite frankly, I've had enough. They are old enough to deal with their own stuff and nothing was so important that I had to be there or involved. Drawing this card has reassured me that I am doing the right thing in letting them deal with their own dramas and getting on with my own stuff. I'm always there for big emergencies, or if it is something important. I always make time for them, but just of late they want all of my time, always.

Very apt card for my life right now.

Saturday 5 January 2013

Book Recommendations.

  I am an avid reader.  I have books everywhere in my house.  It has gotten so bad that I have a kindle app on my android tablet - which has masses of books on it - as well as on my phone and pc.  I have recently acquired a kobo glo too.  I would go so far as to say one of my biggest passions is reading.
  I take an awful lot of stick off friends as I have to admit, I love to read romance novels, even Mills And Boon.  I have so many of that genre, but I just laugh it all off, I don't really care.  As long as the book has a good storyline to it I am not fussed what genre it falls in to.
  I do try to read mainly positive stuff though, I hate reading something that is going to upset me, disturb me or disgust me.  I don't really like storylines that have very unhappy themes to them, and there is nothing worse than enjoying a book only to have everything fall apart for the characters at the end, unless of course the author plans a sequel.

  A while back I made a start on reviewing some of the books I have read, but seem to have got out of the habit of doing that.  I have decided to start that up again, choosing what to write up about is proving to be difficult though.  I was going to go right into a review of a book I have already read, but then I got to thinking, perhaps it would be better if I read something completely new and then review.  I know, I know, it makes more sense to do exactly that, but I sometimes miss the obvious with my enthusiasm
  So, my book review- the first one for this year - is:

Brilliant Book Of Calm: Down To Earth Ideas For Finding Inner Peace In A Chaotic World (52 Brilliant Ideas)  - Author - Tania Ahsan.

My version was free on kindle.

I love self help books, but I have to admit that I rarely follow up on the advice that they give.  The moment I started reading this I actually began to jot down a few of her ideas.  One of my favourites was to have a no news day.  I have been struggling with positivity for some time now and even when I am doing my best to get a grip on it I would find that the news depressed me.  I have a habit of putting the TV on and switching a news channel, muting it, but leaving it on in the background while I go about my business.  Even with no sound the images can be very graphic and play on our emotions, bringing our moods down.  So the idea of a news ban - even if for just one day - was very appealing to me.  I decided to go with a Sunday, initially, as that is the day we do not get a local paper here - I am extremely nosy and did not think I could get by without reading up on what was happening in my local area.
I have to admit this has worked so well for me that I often never put the TV on now unless I am prepared to watch it.  If I feel I need it on, I either have a music channel on very low or will have a sports news channel on - I know it's news but it is nowhere near as depressing as death, destruction, disease being broadcast at you 24/7.

Another thing that I really loved about this book is the way the author does not take herself too seriously.  I often read self help books and feel as though some of the authors are talking at you rather than giving you tips on how to manage your life.  Tania Ahsan made everything sound such fun and easy to do that I felt compelled to try her tips and ideas out immediately.  I did not feel like a naughty child being scolded, the book came across like a conversation with a good friend, and for me that is the type of self help bok that will kick me into action.

After each tip Tania follows up with "Here's an idea for you"  which is a way to bring that tip into being for yourself.  This in turn is followed up by a "defining idea" which is a quote that a famous person has said, and then finally, that is followed up by a question and answer relating to that particular tip; where people have struggled to follow her advice and she gives a different viewpoint on the tip, or on how the person has tried to go about incorporating that tip.

The entire book is so laid back and relaxed you almost forget it is self help.  It feels friendly and approachable and is free on kindle right now, so what more could you ask for?  This is one self help book I have thoroughly enjoyed and am having no problem with the ideas and tips on how to improve my life.  I have thoroughly enjoyed reading it and cannot recommend it enough.

A must read!