Tuesday, 26 March 2013

Closing Doors

My life is a never ending stream of change and challenges.  I guess that is what makes life interesting, it's just, at the time, it can be so damn hard to take.  I have blogged before about how my MIL is pretty vile to me and my daughters, she positively revels at making nasty comments to us.  In recent times I have kept her as much out of my life as possible, and felt all the better for it.
Today is DD2's 20th birthday and this evening we all went out for a family meal.  Despite how awful MIL is I have always encouraged the kids to have a relationship with her; I believe children should know their grandparents, and as many family members as possible.  On occasion I have had to speak with MIL over things she has said to my kids, she is the type of woman who has to be the centre of attention and will make a derogatory comment about her own grandchild if said grandchild is getting more attention than her.

Anyway, the DD's are 22 and 20 now and have discovered for themselves what a bitter and nasty woman their Nanna is.  They have made their own decisions about her based on her treatment towards them.  DD2 wanted my mother, my MIL and FIL and DH's brother and girlfriend at this meal.  The brother and girlfriend had no money so we weren't sure if they were going to turn up, but MIL - who has found a gopher in her eldest son's girlfriend, a woman who will do as she is asked and not hurt MIL's feelings - has carried herself on for a few days now begging her husband to let her lend her eldest and his girlfriend some money so they could come to the meal.  Her husband pointed out that P had borrowed more than enough of them recently and had made no attempt to pay anything back, so no, he was not going to be lending anymore money to them.  MIL could not just come out for a meal with her youngest son - my DH - and our family, she had to keep on looking for a way to get her eldest and his GF there.
In the end she said that she would bring the GF because she does so much for her.  She has that woman running all of her errands, traipsing about shops and the town centre.  She demands that she comes up to her house - the GF cannot drive, MIL can, but the GF has to get the bus up because the MIL is too lazy to go out for her.  MIL crooks her little finger and the GF goes running like a dutiful little puppy.
She was going to leave her eldest son at home and make a huge fuss of the GF at the meal.  It didn't matter that her son wanted to come too.  It didn't matter that the meal was in celebration of DD2's birthday, she wanted to make a huge fuss of the GF.

OK, I actually hate MIL and am never going to be top of her priorities, but if she wants to make a fuss of the GF in appreciation for all she does, then take the woman out some other time, don't try and hijack your granddaughter's birthday meal.
But, this plan is because she has spent the past 6 months bragging about how the GF does anything she asks, a sly dig at me because I have stopped doing anything for her after her disgusting behaviour towards me and my daughters.  She brags about how they are going on holiday together, how they go shopping together and how they have lunch together.  She wants us all to be jealous that the GF is her little lackey, ready and willing to put her life on hold in order to serve her.
The GF is terrified of MIL.  MIL screeches abuse if you do not agree with her viewpoint.  MIL likes to interfere in your personal life and tell you exactly how you should be running it.  MIL snoops in private papers if left unattended in your home.  GF daren't tell MIL no because she is terrified of the consequences.

That is nothing to brag about.  Bullying a grown woman who has not got the courage to say no.  DH finally noticed this today when he was appalled by his mother giving his brother's girlfriend preferential treatment over his brother and our daughter.  He was appalled that she would stoop so low just to get her own way.  I have tried on many occasions to point this behaviour out to him but he has always refused to listen.  Now he has witnessed her ugliness and he is ashamed of her.  I feel awful for him.  It must hurt to see your parent for what they truly are.  He has always thought of her as kind and considerate, but with a tendency to say the wrong thing.  Today those blinkers were stripped away, showing him the ugly personality his mother has always had.
He has nothing to be sorry for though.  He has not made his mother into this monster, she has done that all by herself.  Her greed.  Her self-centredness.  Her need to be the centre of everyone's world, including her grown up sons, who are both in relationships, one with 3 children.  She has demanded loyalty from her sons.  Demanded that they put her first before their relationships, and in my husband's case, before his kids.  Of course he hasn't done that, but he did refuse to see what she was doing.
My husband not putting his mother before his wife and kids has never gone down too well with her, hence the disgusting behaviour.  But it was only when his brother moved in with the GF around 3 years ago that MIL began to demand the GF do her bidding.  And then she tried to rub our noses in this by making out that the GF is such a wonderful asset.

At the meal the MIL sat as far away from me and my daughters as she possibly could and spoke to me only to convey her meal requirements - as I was writing the order down.  She ignored DD2, despite it being her birthday meal, and spent the entire evening engaging in conversation with her husband, her eldest son, DD1's boyfriend, DD2's fiance - occasionally - my mother, but mostly the GF.
Driving home from the meal I came to a decision.  I am not going to have anything at all to do with her - I have very little to do with her as it is.  She has always hated me and her behaviour recently - there are other things I am not going to blog about - has well and truly proven this.  I will never stop my husband or children from seeing her, but my daughters both know how awful she is and they have said that they want as little to do with her as possible.

I am closing the door on her.  She has made no attempt to have any kind of relationship with me for a number of years now, and this has suited me fine.  She has bent over backwards to get the GF onside with her, this is fine with me also.  There will be a time when she needs me for something and I just won't be available for her.  If I have to speak to her at family functions then I will, I have manners and can be civil.  But I just won't do anything for her ever again.
I am 41 years old - soon to be 42 - and since I met my husband when I was 17 she has tried every trick in the book, and then some, to split me and DH up.  She has criticised my appearance, my ability as a wife and mother.  Told me I was being stupid when a Rheumatologist diagnosed me with arthritis and Fibromyalgia.  Told DD1 that she didn't know the meaning of the word depression - for the record DD1 has been diagnosed with a personality disorder as a result of being raped at the age of 12 and then subsequent;y being verbally and emotionally abused by MIL when she was looking for comfort, security, acceptance.  There are countless things she has done and said that have hurt me and my kids, so I am closing the door on her.

When I first started dating DH I just wanted his family to like me.  It hurt that his mother would never accept me or was always trying to split us up.  It was a smack in the face that the GF came on the scene and instantly got accepted, just because she is MIL's personal gopher.  But that isn't important anymore.  My husband, kids, mother, friends etc all know she has been evil towards me - she fractured my skull in one attempt to break me and DH up.  They all know that she has never liked me and has never accepted me.  They have told me I have been very tolerant with her, after everything she has put me through.  But enough is enough.  I have walked through this particular door and shut it firmly behind me.

It is over between me and MIL.