Whenever there are stresses and conflicts in my life, my spiritual practice is the first casualty. Over the past year I have had so much happen that at times I could have easily thrown the towel in and sunk to the depths of despair. At my lowest ebb I questioned my belief in witchcraft - you see, when my Dad was sick in hospital I was working hard ritual wise to get him home and it never happened. On the day he died I stared in disbelief at my witchy stuff, wondering how I had not being able to prevent his death and was ready to turn my back on the all that is witchcraft.
I felt a similar thing when my brother died last December and I had felt like this previously after my Aunty died. I guess my own mortality really hit me hard, this year I have struggled to get myself out of the dark hole I am in right now. I feel hopeless at times, I feel like I should be able to do more when it comes to helping my family and there are times I feel as if I am being punished for something.
I know this is all normal when going through the grieving process, and let's not forget, my brother died just before Christmas last year and then my Dad died 4 months later. Pretty hard to cope with one death, let alone two, I guess it is normal to question any faith because that faith was unable to save their lives, even though I know that is ridiculous now, at the time I felt cheated.
But the darkness has started to recede and I am beginning to find a place for myself within the craft again. Earlier in the autumn I seemed to find my way again but I know I am going to have days where I question everything and feel the dark thoughts take over.
I wanted to do something for myself that would help me reconnect with my witchy self. In the past when I have felt like this I have re-read certain books, performed a ritual to recommit myself and so on, but I have still, when faced with enormous challenges, found myself questioning all that is witchy.
So, I came up with the idea of doing something craft related everyday for a year and a day. This may seem like a Wiccan concept - you know, the whole year and a day thing - but it feels like the right thing for me at this time. Even if I can't blog for whatever reason I am going to do this and will catch up blog wise at a later date.
The first thing I am going to look at is belief.
Belief is a major part of witchcraft - sounds quite obvious, I know. It is though, an area where I am lacking from time to time and is probably half of the reason why I all but give up on the craft when I am under extreme stress. So, for my first task of my 366 day challenge I am going to work on my belief, the belief I have in myself and my talents.