Tuesday, 1 November 2011

366 Days of witchery. Day 2.

366 days of witchery is solely for me to refocus my spiritual nature after what has been a really tough year.  Some would say that I shouldn't have to keep on recommiting myself to my craft and perhaps there would be some truth in that.  I may have even wondered this about other people in the past, but then I went through this awful time and have never experienced anything as bad as this.

I get told all of the time how wonderfully I am coping, I guess it's true.  But inside I am so very hollow, I can't even begin to describe it without it sounding trite.  There is just this huge emptiness now, a void, and when I think about them both it has an ache to it.  Again, I'm not being able to express myself adequately enough.

366 days of witchery is my tool for me alone, it is not a tried and tested method or programme of study, it is just me.  I want to be that witch that I once was, the one who always knew what to do in times of crisis, the witch who knew exactly what was needed on a magickal level.  It isn't that I no longer know these things, it's the fact that I question the very essence of what I have always believed in.  I could easily walk away from all that is witchy, but that would mean walking away from everything that I have been for a very long time.
It's about finding the beauty of being a witch again.  It's about rediscovering what I love most and knowing that even when life is really tough my spiritual beliefs are there holding me up.

During the past few months I have questioned it all.  I was about to just stop it all.  Just like that.  Everything I had done for over 20 years just pushed to one side and turned my back on it.  But a few weeks ago I felt like something had prodded me.  I had an urge to go out onto my street and really see what was there.  I then felt something was calling me (as twee as that sounds) and I couldn't ignore it.
Last July one of my dogs died - he got sick very suddenly and died less than a month later.  Then my brother died, then my Dad got sick and subsequently died.  Then towards the end of June one of my cats went missing - thankfully she turned back up, but it was a tense couple of weeks.
With all of this having happened I just didn't think that magick and witchcraft really mattered anymore.  What was the point?  Life just wanted me to suffer.  Then me and my husband hit a really bad patch and it was touch and go for a while - we considered splitting up.

There just hasn't been any room in my life for witchiness and I felt so angry that witchcraft and magick had let me down, so I just stopped really bothering.  Then the need to get back out there slapped me about the face and woke me back up.  And so I am doing this for me, not for any other purpose than my own fulfillment.  I want to do it, it isn't that I feel I must do it, I am eager to do it by my own free will.

Yesterday I looked at belief.  I spent time pondering exactly what I do believe in - that could very well be another blog post.  I spent time understanding myself and my beliefs and what I expect from it all.  Today I am pondering over choice.
What choices I have made because of witchcraft.  What decisions have led me to where I am now, not really in my everyday life but as a witch.  What I have chosen to do in the name of witchcraft and have I been happy with those decisions, or have I ever regretted them?

Choice does play a huge part in the craft, we just don't realise how much.

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